I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
