I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
