Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
