Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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