you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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