Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
