peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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