We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
