the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
