I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
