Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
