I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
