i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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