I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
