Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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