trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
