Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
