I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
