She's JV to your varsity
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
