Screwed.edu
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
