I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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