I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
