I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
