She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
