Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
