Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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