Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
