Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
