I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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