Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
