The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
