Sry I called you an 8
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
