I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
