I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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