I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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