There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
