Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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