It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
