I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Let's get the cat blown out
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
