I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
