i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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