I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
