Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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