y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
