Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
