Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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