You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
