I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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