I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
