two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
there's paper in my vomit.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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