Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
